My smile is a lie today. Can you tell? I'm not trying to hide it but neither am I broadcasting my soul to the world. If you are looking you will see it but if you choose to pass by once again with a hollow and meaningless "Hey, how's it going," then you will, once again, miss the opportunity to hear my heart and numb my pain.
I woke up ugly today. My mirror was vicious and relentlessly cruel - but I could not cover her mocking face and piercing words. Neither could I please her, though I tried. All of my eye-lining, blushing, curling, straightening and glossing was of no use. My dressing, undressing, redressing, redressing, redressing... nothing could satisfy, nothing could temper. I left the house nearly two hours late and with a very heavy heart. But could you see this?
Even now as I look around at the women in my life - other women sitting at computers so much like this one, other women with smiling faces and bright eyes - I am in a war - a civil war - between my mind and my heart. Ugly, worthless, stupid, lazy, immature, too young, too old, aimless, wandering, free-loading, idle, depressed and depressing to others, loveless, naive, dirty... Truth is trying to fight back but it is struggling to gain ground today. Truth needs reinforcements. Truth needs physical help. But here I sit, avoiding eye contact with my friends, typing silently, hoping against hope that someone will break through the walls I am building and rescue me... which is, I suppose, the purpose of Truth itself.
It seems so unusual that emotion can entirely dominate over what we know. Feelings are overwhelming and disarming, which explains the insufficiency of self-thought and self-affirmation. On good days I can tell myself I am beautiful. On good days I can quote God's love by memory and apply those passages in a practical way... but this is not a good day. This is a bad day and I need to hear those words and feel that love from an external source. But, can you see that? Can you do that?
I think you might be surprised how frequently I battle through days like this. I am incredibly melancholy so much of the time despite my apparent glee and shine but few can recognize the warning signs of such deep, internal shadow. Today I'm counting on those special, loved few to pull me aside and let me cry, to tell me I'm beautiful and smart and to give me a hug from the heart of God Himself. I know He loves me - I know I am loved - but today, knowing is not enough.
3 comments:
This one makes me sad. I wonder if it's time for a trip home? It's much easier to see past the walls when you're in the same room. I love you, and you're beautiful. Really, really beautiful - inside and out. No matter what that nasty mirror was saying today. I love you tons, honey!
Mom
It's true. you are gorgeous. I know this for a fact. From those absolutely stunning oceans of blue known to most as your eyes to your beautiful curves and right down to you rather unique and adventurous feet. You are gorgeous. Outside and in, and the two beauties play off each other so stunningly darling that often I am quite in awe of you.
Jay
PS I miss you. Intensely.
I want to get on a bus to see you, maybe a train. or a plane for all i care. i just want to see you. i miss you nik. quite a lot. i put off reading this for a few days because i knew that it was going to make me cry. but today i read it, i cried, and i want to be on a train to you.
i hate mirrors. however i also hate the word beautiful, ask tim. a beautiful rose, a beautiful dog, a beautiful house a beautiful hunk of glass. it doesn't capture the essence behind someone who is beautiful the way that you are beautiful. because you aren't just a pretty girl with stunning eyes and a mona lisa smile. you are breath takingly wise, and mysterious, and passionate and romantic, and you have real feelings. you are beautiful, but so much more than a dog, or house, or hunk of glass. I love you nik. I miss you too.
Post a Comment